Dr. Kettelhut has coached groups and corporate teams, as well as individual entrepreneurs and executives, since 1997. Before then “Doc” received a PhD from Temple University and taught ethics, logic and aesthetics at Villanova and Drexel Universities in the Philadelphia area. To connect with Martin, sign up for free / log in on moreandmorenetwork.com
the prerequisite to new action
Self-love has always been a bit of a mystery to me. How does one love her/himself? Does self-love mean telling myself I’m handsome and wise? This is a powerful technique some people use, looking at themselves in the mirror and declaring who they are. Frankly it hasn’t quite worked for me.
Here’s the difficulty, I believe, with even imagining what loving myself would look like. When admonished to love myself, I imagine loving the bundle of issues and complaints, the preferences and indulgences I am, my personality, my self-to-date. Yes, I could make sense of loving that guy unconditionally, that work-in-progress with all his foibles. But there are aspects of that guy, me, that—although I understand them—I’m not ready to embrace as-is, like my need to look good, my approval-seeking, my fear of authority and angry people, etc.
However, what really moves me, what I love without hesitation, is my future self, the me I intend to be, the vision of who I can become. Now that guy’s got game, he doesn’t want for others’ approval, he’s not afraid of anything; he’s the goal. I love that Martin Kettelhut.
This got me thinking about all the other relations-to-self, and how they might be affected by applying them to my future self, rather than to the current me.
Take self-efficacy, for example. Your self-efficacy determines your beliefs about your power to affect situations, face challenges, and make choices. But we all know numerous examples of people who believed that they could do a certain job well; and yet it was a job for which they were rejected, because their resume didn’t show enough experience at that job. Notice the difference between current-self-efficacy versus future-self-efficacy.
Here’s another relation-to-self that changes drastically when I apply it to my future-self, instead of the me I’ve known for so many years: self-control. If I leave it to my self-to-date, then there’s a 50-50 chance I will have another margarita or another cookie, if it’s offered; but when I empathize with my future-self, I’m a lot more likely to see the wisdom in moderation.
I’m starting to think that the only way to think reasonably about myself and what I can accomplish, is with love for my future self. If moving forward depends on resolving the struggle to escape self-doubt, and the escape-route begins with a loving relation-to-self, then why should I wonder to find self-love the prerequisite to taking new action?
In the quiet moments of this Holiday Season, take time to imagine your future self, where s/he lives, how s/he dresses, the way s/he talks. Install your future self in your heart; and allow everything you say and do going forward to be an expression of your love for her/him.
The housing market is shifting away from the intensity of the past two years. Here’s what experts project for the remainder of 2022.
Home prices are forecast to rise more moderately than last year. Mortgage rates will respond to inflation, and home sales will be more in line with pre-pandemic years.
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